Wrong Turn

What your people said were true.

In my opinion, indeed you don't really understand him very well.

When he said your irritating, instantaneously you can know there is something wrong yet you still repeat it? Is that what you called understanding. Is it because you heart tells you that you're going at the correct direction just that he doesn't understand your so called deeds? Is this how you understand someone? Are you going to just sit there not doing anything while waiting for him to realize?

If so, I think I understand what's the reason you proposed a break up with me.

It's because you don't even understand who I am and what I'm capable of, although we've been together for almost a year.

You want to know why?

Because you do things going through only the heart but not the mind as well.

Your doing it correctly but partially, which led to imperfection.

I have to admit that you're quite irritating sometimes and I'm sure I'm quite irritating to you at times as well.

So we're equal so to speak.

But things doesn't work that way you know?

I hate to have wars with people especially the person I love.

What I did was, I tried my very best to understand what person god has created you to be.

I know I was late but at least I realized my mistakes and tried to fix it so that we could have a better life together.

But when I did, you turned against me without even realizing what I've been going through for you during the break.

Do you ever have the initiative to understand me or just say it for the sake of saying just like taking drugs?

You can say a zillion "I Love You" with your mouth but does your heart and mind really mean so?

I'm always afraid of that question everytime you mentioned that 3 words to me.

Well, you've taken your turn against me.

I just hope your next turn wouldn't be a wrong turn.

Death on Holidays!!!

Holidays have finally arrived.

It's been a while the death blog has been dormant.

This holidays could maybe my only chance to obliterate the hurtful memories you've implanted in my mind.

What you said was indeed damn fu*king true!!!

If you don't love me why would I still want to love you for? It doesn't make any difference if I chose either to love you or not love you.

If I only become a memory, just assume I never existed. Anyway, it's very clear that you've been doing that to me ever since that day.

Yeah!! Please don't ever show up in my life at the end of days because that would even be worse than hell on earth to me. When you graduated from university, please don't ever make a second mistake by coming back here again and I know you wouldn't anyway. This place brings you nightmare right? If so, please don't, because nobody will ever give a damn about it. Another suggestion, you can also forget about this place(Perak) and assume it has been wiped out from the face of the earth.

In your sight, I don't even think I am qualified to be a memory because you know why? You can pretend as if you never met me before plus whatever we did (pictures we taken together, facebook, msn and etc.), you have already deleted all of it by now I guess. In short you have deleted everything that links me to you.

I don't even know why I should care about you as you don't even care even if die or live because I don't deserve to be loved by people (That's the most cruel thing you told me that day and I can never forget that).

My love to you now has become a sort of hatred and I also don't know why? I know it is not good to hate people but I just can't help it because that was how I felt spontaneously, when somebody reminds me of you. Everytime I think of you I remembered how selfish you are and how bias you are in defining judgment. Additionally, you only think your doing the right thing whereas I the opposite. I absolutely can never believe I actually loved a person like this before. How can a person changed from "hero to zero" without a notice but a surprise with some lame excuses as backup. Well, I don't want to explain that again as I already did in the older entries.

If somebody did the same to you as you did to me, only then will you feel your own medicine.

Go ahead and live your chosen live then. I'm not going to get in your way because I don't care anymore. If you ever make a mistake in your life again, don't ever cry and regret if things do not come in the way you expected. So don't talk about so many if(s) because there's no such thing as so many if(s) in live because decisions are not trial and error. At 1st I don't accept the theory about "hero to zero" in life but what you did has already proven that to be possible to happen even in just a split moment. In short, the meaning of that term is, what comes around goes around, a friend today could be a foe tomorrow, a person you love today could be a person you hate tomorrow. It's ridiculous but possible thanks to your confirmation.

Quote of the day:

To live an easy live,

It's better to prepare yourself for the worse than preparing yourself for the better because you will never know what's coming for you.

Eternal Nightmare

I just realized how important you are to me.

In conjunction to that, I also realized that the damages you done to me was so deep, until it reaches my soul.

It's already nearing to 3 months break.

Few days ago I was beginning to forget almost everything about the melancholic events of my past.

Today, out of nowhere nightmares came haunting me in my dreams.

Reviving the pain in my life once again.

This didn't happened once but several times already.

As I mention before, dreams are beyond my control while slumbering.

In my opinion, I don't think all these nightmares are just coincidence.

So, I began to think that you did not only damage my heart but my soul as well.

I'm beginning to lose will in forgetting already because it doesn't work that way.

There must be some way but what is it?

How to end this eternal nightmare of mine other than forgetting?

Precognition

Every good or bad people needs a break.

I know if they were given a second chance, they'll do the right thing.

Too bad not all of us are gifted with the talent of precognition or premonition.

"Everytime if you got a glimpse on the future, the more the future changes."

It's because you know what's coming for you, so you will definitely come out with a solution to counter those unnecessary events that will occur. In other words, to evade the occurrences that you don't want to end up with.

Future can be change but the past can't.

What I always wished for is for all these things happening around me now, to be a dream when I woke up.

I wished that all these occurrences were just my premonition.

Well, it doesn't seem to be so anyway.

I guess I'm not the gifted person after all.

People who are gifted with that ability can get the chance to try out all the different possibilities or options in a dream or vision to decide which is the best option to choose in reality but for the people who aren't gifted, they have to choose only an option from list of options he/she has. Normal ones can't initiate test predictions. Therefore, they have to pick their poison because they do not know which is the best decision containing the least negative feedback.

Whatever we do, whatever decisions we make comes with a price.

As I said before, every decision has consequence(s) whether it's good or bad.

The differences only appear between good and bad choices when we talk about the severity of the outcome.

Nothing from us is perfect due to our imperfect origin.

We should bear in mind that think carefully and wisely before making any of it, a decision that works best for you and as for others.

Although it might not be perfect but at least, it could minimize the severity of the consequences from our decision(s).

"What comes around goes around"

The Desperado of Love

She is losing herself due to her own insatiable thirst for love.

Physically weak I understand but I didn't expect was, your so weak in mind as well.

No wonder your so easily fooled by words.

No wonder your so easily to be manipulated.

No wonder you always say, as if your dying when someone is not by your side to love you.

Do you expect someone to be with you 24/7?

Do you expect someone to kiss you 24/7?

Do your expect someone to hug you 24/7?

Ask yourself how many relationships you've been through?

I hope you don't think it that way or else you're actually going on blinded-love spree all these years of relationships.

I'm your 5th and you clearly know who was your 3th right?

He left you because he needs space. Doing all those 24/7 things just suffocates him due to lack of freedom being given to him. He showed physical cruelness to you when he left you because he does not know how to put it in words.

Same thing you did to me just that it's in words. Cruel intentions yet present at that moment.

Why do you have such many ex-bf(s)? It's because you never wanted learn about your past mistakes and your decisions. You just do things by following your heart's desire without going through the brain. That's why you only think about yourself. As long as you're happy then can. Others happy or sad, you don't even bother at all. That's just pure selfishness.

Anyway, please don't cry and nag about it when he is not around you for the moment. Be mature for god's sake.

Everything we do in this world has good and bad. Why is that so?

It's because we are humans and we are not perfect.

That's why what we do will lead to imperfection. So, whatever we do will not lead to perfect good and bad. Both are to be present at the same time which signifies our imperfection.
In other words, whatever decisions we make, there will be consequences ahead. The consequences may not be always obvious in our sight. But, it is always present there.

"I'm not cursing anyone, it's philosophy I'm talking about. You can decide not to believe me if you don't want to, I'm not forcing anyone as usual."

People around you are just guessing and assuming what happened between us that day especially the things you said to me. Also, the way they're judging me like they know who I am. Why? It's because there are some things you didn't actually tell them, am I right? Or you can say whatever goddamn things behind me and there is nothing I can do about it. Surely you kept some truths hidden from their sights.

What I think is that, whether or not you hide some things from them, it doesn't really matter much. You know why? It's because they sided with you not due the righteous judgment. They sided with you plainly because of friendship. A righteous judgment is made based on neutrality.

For me, if anyone sides with me because of friendship, I rather not to have any friends because by doing so, they are just making bias judgment and clearly that's not what I wanted. In my opinion, that's not what I call true friends.

Only both of us knew the exact event happened between us that day. So only you will truly understand the messages I'm trying to convey to you here.

Well, go on with what you're doing now.

Rest assure that you will get what's coming to you in the future.

Your True Color.

Finally you revealed your true color.

What you said simply reminds me again something that you told me months ago.

Do you remember you said you will love me only me in your life?

When I told you if I would leave you, do you remember what you replied me?

Let me remind you again, you replied "Shall I compare thee to summer day, thou art lovely and temperate.. ya de ya de ya de ya.. I love you, lord of stupid.. I afraid tat you will leave me more than I will."

Sounded like Shakespears right?

When I asked you, are you sure about what you said and are you serious?

You almost started sobbing when I asked that.

It's impossible that it isn't serious right?

You also said " Don't ever mention those things again to me because it hurts my heart. I will only love you and only you in my life. I can't live without you not even a second. I will die if I lose you."

Well, very touching indeed yet so romantic.

Is that what you told everyone who've been together with you before also?

Yet until now you can still repeat the same bloody thing again.

It sounded so damn fake to me.

You can still say it so firmly and confidently that you're very serious with what you mentioned.

Haha!!

Another thing is, do you remember what happened on 1st of June 2009?

Forgotten already?

Let me remind you again the one "tiny" thing you told me.

When you're obviously lying in front of me that time saying your feelings for me had disappeared,

You also mentioned it's fruitless for us to continue our relationship because we won't end up happy.

If I'm not qualified to be a girlfriend/boyfriend/soul mate/life partner. Just please don't turn away.

Where and how the hell did you came out with that kinda lame theory?

Last time,

When I said can we make this over again? You said no because you don't love me anymore and we won't end up happy.

So you're like saying that,

If a girl/a boy really wants to leave, you still want to continue? (What I mean is "if", so don't misunderstand)

Hey!!! Don't you forget that you said it yourself that there will never be happiness if you do so.

So fast you forgotten what you told to me last time already?

You're actually following my footsteps/repeating what I did if you realize that.

In other words, what you're thinking or doing now is actually contradicting with your so called theory above. (in green, italic and bold)

In conclusion, you're no different than I am actually.

What you said, you can't even do it yourself.

Pakai cakap saja (a.k.a talk pussy only).

This is what you are, you're true color.

This is the way you think things. I see I see!!!

You know how to judge people but you don't know how to judge yourself.

Who's The Toy?

The contents of this post was taken from the previous post(Trust & Compromise). This is the re-edited version of it.

P/S : The original version was deleted from the previous post.

(Below were my frustrations after I posted the "Trust & Compromise" entry, so if you don't want to read it, you can stop right at this point)

I'm surprise that many realized about this two factors but why not you.

You don't understand is not because you're stupid or you're dumb, it's because you simply do not take the initiative to understand and reflect on it. That why you're so damn ignorant and naive which led to selfishness.

You think this is some sort of a game? When you want, you dash forward at maximum speed and grab it, when you're done or bored with it, you just throw it away? As long as it pleases your heart's content? Not forgetting you added plenty of crappy lame excuses when being asked why too.

I just realized that I'm actually a toy.

Why are you willing to throw it just like that?

Because I'm already broken or scarred with scratches?

I know why!!!

(The words italic and bold below, has hidden meanings. If you can guess the meaning then congrats.)

You got your "insurance" set and ready.

Also, you got a lot "financial supports" because of "sponsors" around you.

In other words, you don't lose anything.

So no wonder you don't even care whether I live or die.

I really want to know one more thing,

"I don't care, I can't care too much, whatever!!"

Is that your favorite phrase?

In the end,

I am as if a toy being thrown into the dumpster.

It depends on whether somebody else pick it up to play with it(live) or I end up being degraded and recycled for raw materials(die).

Actually, I do not want to talk about this again but the problem is, all these stuffs are just shoving right at my face. Don't expect I can act like nothing happen.
Nevertheless, the things happening around me just reminds me about you over and over again.

Trust & Compromise

From blogs I read and from experiences I gained from the things happening around me,

I've just realized that many people actually understand the two important factors in a relationship.

Trust and compromise.

Without trust this is how it turns out,

Trust--->Doubts--->Negative imaginations--->Confusions--->Betrayal/Disloyalty

Without compromising with the other will end up like this,

Compromise---> Misunderstanding---> Fights/Argument/War---> Anger---> Hate

These two factors are interrelated with each other.

If i combine this two and both these factors failed to take place, it will look like this when we apply on the problems occurred between the couple,

Problems--->Compromise(failed)--->Misunderstanding--->
Fights/Argument/War--->Anger--->Hate--->Trust(failed)---> Doubts
--->Negative imaginations--->Confusions--->Betrayal/Disloyalty

P/S : Well, once again please take note that the theory above might not be 100% accurate for everyone because it's still considered as a survey conclusion. I can explain in more detail about the points above if anyone does not understand, provided if you ask me. I didn't explain here because it may be lengthy if I do so. So I assume you all are smart enough to picture each point above in your mind.

In my opinion,

I think this is just simple logic that we should know whenever we are in a relationship. If not, then it means that they are not serious in it. Sometimes they just want to cuba-try or in some well-known cases such satisfying their own urge or desire for love(a.k.a. desperate for love), happened especially on people who cannot live a single life. They do not care who is their partner, as long as they receive love then it's sufficient. Most relationships like these end up being temporary, due to the absence of true love.

Lover's Survey

I just completed my survey about relationships.

"The info regarding the survey was taken from groups of individual who have been through difficult times in relationships."

What I found out was, couples who are both 1st lovers tend to last longer than those who have already been through breakup/breakups before.

Why is that so?

I can't answer it but,

A lot of my friends have been together with their partner for many years, approximately 3 years or more since they got together. Within these years, countless arguments and dissatisfaction upon each other occurred between them until breakup has becoming imminent.

The amazing thing is, they are still together as happy couples.

Why?

Because they sat down calmly and compromised with each other regarding the many problems occured among themselves. They cared for each others feelings and the importance of their relationship.

Another case is that, a couple that has already separated from each other for 3 years but haven't broke up.

But they did broke up recently.

Few days later after the breakup, they were together again because the girl intended to give him a 2nd chance. Why?

Because she cared about his feelings. He doesn't want to end it just like that. The guy promised to change for the better.

This is an example of trust. " From my opinion, without it, doubts and confusion will take place. This tends to make the person think too much. Trust is one of the many essential factors required in relationships. "

In contrast,

Most 1st lovers are loyal whereas most non-1st lovers are the absolute opposite of 1st lovers.

What I found out was, most of the non-1st loves tend to breakup more often than usual.

The person who proposed the breakup would likely get a new substitute pretty quick.

That's how they accumulated the ascending numbers of ex-lover.

Why is that so again?

In my opinion, they are just selfish because they only care about their own happiness and does not bother whether the other partner lives or dies.

They tend to give silly and ridiculous reasons to push him/her away.

Why?

Because they do not have a clear valid and reasonable answer to call off a breakup.

Most excuses are just assumptions and disbelieving of the other partner(victim).

Moreover, they do not know what's the meaning of forgiveness as well.

As long as they themselves are happy with his/her choice, that's it. END OF STORY..

From the beginning, I thought I was the only rare case but to my surprise, it isn't.

That's how I came out with this survey results.

In conclusion, most non-1st lovers tend to be extremely naive and only believe that what they do are 100% correct. That's why they do not even bother to look back into the past whether their choices are right or wrong. They are so sure that, all will be fine and everyone is happy.

"What I think is, these kind of people are just like king's sending out his troops to war and proudly ensuring flawless victory at war. How much blood has spilled and all the citizen's sufferings caused by the war, he does not feel it and neither will he care about it at all because he is happily enjoying his moments in his palace. As long as he gets what he wanted then ok already. But what his expectation back-fired? That's how kings always get overthrown by others because they are just too naive in believing no one can stop them."

In addition, these non-1st lovers does not care about the scars left behind due to their own naive decisions because they do not care how people suffer from the impact of the breakup. They just assume " Aiya!! Get over with it la. Dun worry too much la. It's normal keh. Find new one lo. Not worth thinking too much d la, anyway, I won't come back one". Act as if nothing happened? Cakap saja besar la( Talk until so damn lun c)!! If it's that simple and normal, let me try doing that to you and see la!! SWT!!

They are happy because they get what they want and does not receive any negative impacts from it. That's why they could say such thing with outstanding pride and audacity. They will never know pain until they eat back their own medicine.

P/S : I'm not saying all non-1st lovers are like that, just that mostly are like that only. Also, not all 1st lovers are loyal to the max, still they are some who act like typical non-1st lovers. This survey is based on majority/large percentage(not fully 100%) groups of people. "Without trust, no relationship can withstand for long." Relationships often breakup when either of the partners starts to think something bukan-bukan because of disbelieving and doubts on the victim especially their capabilities of adjustments.

ERROR MESSAGE!!

Wishes that I made, the faith that I kept till now.

They actually came true in my dreams.

But, not in reality again.

What I think is, they are trying to convince me not to wake up forever.

Sweatness.

Anyway, wishes coming true in my dreams is not what I wished for on the 1st place.

I wanted it to occur in the physical world.

Maybe there were some technical error with the universe.

haha.

No matter what, I will still continue to focus all my thoughts and my faith on God, the universe, and also what I have wished for.

Hope it would answer me ASAP.

P/S : To those who does not know what I am talking, you can assume I'm just rambling or crapping or whatever. XD

The Secret

The Law of Attraction...

Step 1: Ask

Step 2: Answer

Step 3: Receive

What you get is what you expect.

The end results is due to what we perceive, either good or bad.

Everything is controlled by our thoughts.

We ask for what we want not by words but by through our thoughts(Step 1) where it is answered by the universe itself(Step 2).

The universe hears the request and reveals our end results only if faith is kept(Step 3).

Most things in this world abide to this law of attraction.

But in my notion, it's not.

Not everything abides it.

Do you think that if I want something, I will get it in the end? No matter what it is?

As to most readers, you know clearly what I desire and what this blog is meant for. So I'm not going to say that again.

So, if I keep my faith will I get back what I have already lost?

Something which is so inevitable?

The law didn't state that how long you need to keep up with the faith to receive what you asked for.

So when will I get my answer from the universe?

When I'm 25, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 and so on?

DO I NEED TO WAIT THAT LONG?

If so, what's the point of all this then?

Because this is what I asked for since that day until now.

A year or more is what I asked for as well and not when I'm 25, 30, 40, 50, 70 and so on.

I will hold on to my faith in the future.

If things changes to what I asked for within a year or more, then maybe I will take back my own words that I've just said.

Else, I have to disagree with it.

Chances...

People said I am handsome. ( This is what people said and I 'm not boasting or whatever and if you want to laugh then go ahead. I'm not stopping you.)

I denied because I don't see any handsomeness in me at all.

Maybe there were just trying to cheer me up or praise me I don't know.

People also said I got a pretty heart.

But I said don't know because only others can see whether it's pretty or not.

Just like you cannot smell your own pheromone but others can.

No matter how pretty you're externally or internally, it's useless sometimes.

WHY?

If you are not given a chance in anything, you're still a piece of shit.

Because you basically can't do anything at all.

You're just like a crippled and frail old man who can't even move any limbs eventhough you have endless efforts in attempting to move them. Because the limbs are just dead, they are not influenced by the brain anymore.

WHY?

For example, you like to study and you got talent to study.

But your family is too poor to afford any further education.

But your lust for education dominated your self-control.

One day, you noticed your friend is also studying at one Uni you wanted to study in.

So you just attend classes from that day onwards.

Lecturers asked you, who are you? Why are you here?

You explained how much you love study, although the lecturers were touched by your words and willing to give you the chance to study here, still you can't.

WHY?

There are not the ones who determine whether you can study here or not.

It is the university who decides.

The university does not allow you to study here as you are not registered here.

Eventhough others give you chances but once the Uni said you are not eligible, you're gone.

Eventhough you can still continue to secretly study here but it's pointless because you can't take the final examination.

This is only wasting all your precious time just to temporary satisfy your so called lust.

In conclusion, it's pointless when you're not given a chance eventhough you are a genius.

So in reality, no matter how pretty you are externally and internally, if people do not appreciate who you are, you are just nothing in society.

Nothing in the sense that whatever you're trying to attempt, it will just end up with uncountable disappointments.

Another example, if you want to murder someone, you need to plan where to attempt.

If the victim found out that someone is trying to kill him/her from an unknown source, he/she will avoid from that targeted area.

In conclusion, the victim does not give the murderer any chances of attempts therefore, the murderer failed eventhough the murderer had put in weeks of effort to plan this attempt.

Everything is basically influenced by chances, just that we don't see it directly.

For me, I laid in so much hard efforts to change what I am for the greater good, for us and others.

For what?

But it ended pointless once again because I was not given the chance to prove so.

WHY?

Because the one that motivated me to change doesn't want to appreciate what I can do in the future.

Just some influences from open world and just by judging my past, they put a fullstop on me because they claimed I will never change. Worse is that they claimed they know me as much as my own parents know me.

Moreover,

My chances were rejected and denied, eventhough they have already been given.

Based on neutrality, do you think it's a righteous judgment?

Memorable Speech

This was what I got from the sermont yesterday.

When your neighbor threw one big bag of rubbish at your place.

What will you do?

Do you throw back or you help your neighbor to throw the rubbish to the thrash bin?

If you throw back, what will happen then?

Internal war occurs.

It will never end until at least one stops.

As a child of god, you should help your neighbor to throw as well, WHY?

Maybe because your neighbor is too busy and they put the rubbish in front of your house maybe because they want you to help them throw on their behalf.

They didn't inform you maybe because you weren't out there when they want to ask you to help them as they are too busy at the moment and afraid of disturbing you if they call you just for some rubbish.

This is only one of the possible reasons.

There maybe many.

We should think everything positive in whatever situations as we are unsure what's the real reason.

God is watching us.

War or Peace?

It's determined by our actions.

Think before you do and reflect after you've done.

Time To DIE!!!

Yesterday was dreaming.

Today?

I day-dream of fetching her to clinic and carried her on my back from her house where I parked the vehicle and back to my room.

That whole dream ate me an hour of my time.

Tomorrow I'll be having a test and I hardly read anything at all.

Once started reading I will day-dream about her all the sudden.

Haih....

I guess it's TIME TO DIE for me now.

P/S: Bear in mind that I'm not blaming anyone but myself ok? Anyone who wants to laugh at me, jeer at me and look down on me, FINE!! Go ahead I can't stop you. IF you want to spread this to your friends just to laugh on me? OK.. I'm fine with tat too. Because I don't only love my loved ones but to my enemies or whosoever as well.

The Incomprehensible Vision

Before I start, I would like to remind everyone who reads this entry, not to think too much and this entry has no intention on blaming anyone but me.

So don't get misunderstood. Thank you!!

It started like this,

Yesterday at 4 something in the morning, I dreamt of something.

Something special, something giving me temporal happiness or something to torture me?

I seriously can't comprehend it.

I still don't understand why is it until now I can still dream of her.

OMG!!!

I really can't control my own dreams, it's like as if it has a mind on its own.

Anyway,

I dreamt of her forgiving me, cried in front of me because I said something that touched her heart and also hugging me very tightly.

The dream ended with a kiss from her.

"An accurate final touch to the story indeed." (my opinion)

Right after it ended, I found myself lying on bed half-dead and the time was 12 something in the afternoon when I looked at the time displayed on my phone.

A short dream yet I felt so happy at that moment.

But sadly, that is not going to happen in reality anyway.

Well...

I know that's just an entertainment for me that's all, just like watching movie.

It won't last forever.

What happened next?

Just need to get back to the real world and face the facts.

No choice.

War or Peace?

War can be at anyplace, anytime and anywhere.

Why wage war between others?

It's because some people think he is right and some people think the other is more promising.

Birth of two parties occurred.

Both having the similar thoughts.

One thinks he is more right and the other thinks he is more right.

Therefore, they fire each other on sight.

To fight for what they believe is right.

Why can't people just put a table in the empty hall and sit down.

To compromise with each other, to reach an agreement where both parties agree.

But the world is not as it is, that simple.

Thought is one of the most powerful weapon in this world.

The way people perceive something.

To love, hate, sad, forget and etc.

Controlled by thoughts.

Furthermore,

The ability to create and destroy.

Alpha and Omega.

The beginning and the end.

Whether it is the end of the world or not.

We are to be blamed.

I am tired of fighting for the inevitable.

All I want is just some rest now.

Conflicts & Happiness

So many conflicts happening nowadays.

The class is so small yet so much drama. (from Angie)

Well, I think Hollywood should consider our talents.

Otherwise, we don't have to study already.

So damn stress.

Anyway,

Since your so happy with what you're doing now.

I don't really have much comment about you now.

I'm not going to force you to anything you don't like.

I already said that since the day we've been together until now.

I just hope you will realize what you're trying to do now.

I just hope you won't make the same mistakes that you repeated over and over again and proceed with it into the future.

That is to ensure that you won't end up with regrets.

And

To provide you permanent happiness.

I'm not saying you have to be with me only, in order to gain that permanent happiness.

I just wish you will learn how to make a wiser decision for your own happiness.

You have the choice to choose anyone you want to be with anytime, anywhere and anyplace.

There is no way stopping you from doing so, as I cannot earn your body, mind, heart and soul through force.

There is no happiness through forcing.

Updates!!!

I kinda understand their intentions right now.

Whatever they are progressing now.

Whatever the updates they made.

Whatever things they delete.

Whatever messages they show.

They are just trying to slim down my chances.

I feel sad for myself because it still couldn't break my loyalty.

They basically have no effects on my affection towards them.

Kinda heartbreaking yet couldn't forget.

Instead..

The memories became even harder to wipe out than before.

It sounds absurd but this is my natural reaction, just the same as our body reflexes. It's automatic and beyond my control.

I'm expecting more to come.

The more it comes, the more hurtful and sad I'll become.

Worse thing is I can't free myself from it because of natural reaction.

Then I guess I'll be staying in the torture chamber till the end of days.

Anyway,

Congratulations for planting more sadness in me.

I'm sure you're happy with it.

Good luck in hurting me.

Thank You!!

The Remembrance

Diamond or Grass?

Diamond=Mr.X

Grass=Me

People nowadays usually look at status rather than value.

Diamond as you know is something very precious.

Grass?

Well, just got stepped everyday and no human gives a damn about it.

Which one has status more and which one has value more?

You have diamond, you have status.

When you sell it out, it has great values.

But..

One day, when you're seriously ill, how?

Which one do you pick then?

When you found out that the grass actually contains medicinal value and that particular grass is one of the major components that can cure your illness when brewed with other herbs, which one do you choose then?

When our dying day is near, people tend to realize the grass' potential and its value over diamond.

When they are cured, things will be back to where it started again.

Diamond over grass.

Maybe worse, they might gain lust for more variation of diamonds.

Rare exotic diamonds:

Regent diamond: Mr.A,

Cullinan diamond: Mr.B,

Hope diamond: Mr.C

or maybe more....

This is what you called human mentality. People will never say no to more.

For example, if a person is known to be the richest person on earth, do you think that person will just retire and live a peaceful life? NO!!! Why?

He/she will use whatever means necessary to preserve his/her status as the richest person on earth to avoid being overtaken by others (KIASU). Indirectly saying, people will never say no to more especially to wealth and fame..

But you one things for sure,

You will never know what will happen in the future.

If one day you went bankrupt, you lost your wealth and fame.

What will you do next?

Wealth and fame are just temporary happiness because they do not follow you after your death.

When will people going to learn how to treasure something that is already around us all the time like sand, earth, grass and etc.

Tell you one fact, to be a rich person, one has to do something dirty in order to achieve his/her targets or else gaining that reputation would seem to be almost impossible.

I am not going to mention the examples because I am afraid I might get sued.

When you're too rich for your own good, people respect you, people act in front of you just to gain benefits from you and some might hate you because your humanity has been consumed by your own pride.

As I mentioned earlier, this "grass" can help with your illness.

It can help extend your life. Even if you don't have wealth and fame and poor, you still have people to love. Love is a lifetime happiness and not temporary.

Without life do you think you have the chance to earn wealth and fame?

Which is more important to you?

Diamond or grass?

P/S: Only one can be chosen not both. This is a simple quiz to help you reflect on what you're doing in the real life.

The Meaning of Love

Love is unmeasurable.

Love doesn't take into account how long we met each other.

Love doesn't take into account how you look like.

Love doesn't take into consider how well you know each other.

Love is born from our hearts.

We are born through love.

Love doesn't take into consider how far and how long both of you are separated.

Love doesn't take into account how bad the other treats you.

You don't yell at the other although he/she treats you badly to avoid feelings to be hurt because that is love.

If you thought I blamed you then I will say I am sorry because that is love.

If you misunderstand my intentions then I am sorry because that is love.

No matter how many "I love you" you whispered to me and at the end of day you actually told me you hated me all the while, I still love you.

When I made you tea, I always take a sip before passing to you because I want to ensure the level of sweetness is just as you wanted because that is love.

When your are cold at night, I strive to get you an extra blanket to ensure warmth envelopes around you because that is love.

When you want to go pasar malam, I will always accompany you although I am sick because that is love.

When I am sick I don't really want to tell you because I am afraid that you will worry too much because I love you.

I always place you at my highest priority because I want to fulfill your every needs because I love you.

You beh song me for no reasons sometimes because you want me to hug you and be with you. That's love.

You asked me not to talk/chat with others nor reply others comment and I am willing to obey you because I love you.

I sleep with you every night and day(naps) because I am afraid that you will be lonely. That's love.

Right before the holidays when you want to bid me farewell, I strive to make it up to you to ensure you won't feel sad because that is love.

Everytime you cry, I will try my best to console you and plant happiness back into you and say I am sorry because that is love.

When your sick I will try my best to take care of you because that's love.

If I failed to take care of you, I am sorry and I will even give in my live in exchange to compensate my failure because I love you.

If you're going to die I will make sure you won't be lonely in paradise. That's love.

If one of your organs failed to function, I will donate without second thoughts because that is love.

When I cried, you think it is disgusting but I accept it and ask no question in return because that is love.

When I am down and you were not there for me, I won't blame you or angry with you because
that is love.

No matter how much you criticize me, I will still accept what you are because that is love.

No matter how much you forgotten about me, I will still remember who you are because that is love.

If you want to kill me, I won't retaliate because that is love.

Although you suddenly change heart for another person without giving me valid reasons, I won't
blame you because I love you.

No matter how cruel you are towards me, I will still love you the way you are because that's love.

Loyalty towards a person in a relationship is derived from love.

I am willing to change, I am willing to give anything you want in exchange for nothing because that is love.

I am willing to give all that I have to you although you will only ignore me in return and say I am foolish because that is love.

Whatever I mentioned, I mean it because I love you.

Eventhough my sadness will last forever but loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my entire life.

I even hope that you will give me the chance to love you again.

Eventhough you do not give me the opportunity to love you again, I will still love you the way you are.

Love has no limits and doesn't mind who you are or what you are.

Love is our life force, the only thing that keeps us alive.

That is why I did not die eventhough I wanted to die.

Because all these love kept me from dying.

My last wish is to hope you will understand the true meaning of love one day.

The Story of My Accident...

It began like this..

Both of us went out together for dinner.

Before we reach there, we met an accident.

The car if front of us went out of control and banged on us.

Later...

It was a miracle because she was uninjured whereas I am the opposite.

I was unconscious then.

When she went out of the car, she found out that the driver of the car that banged on us had minor cuts.

I was sent to the hospital and was pronounced deceased hours later I arrived.

What happened to her and the guy who banged us?

Did they argued over the accident?

Did she mourn for me?

Did they went to the police station?

I seriously do not know because I was dead.

I knew I was dead but,

I felt a dream-like event occurred in my mind.

I found myself in a pitch black room without doors and moments later, a narrow dim light appeared at one of the corners of the room.

I heard someone whispered,

"Come to me dear Vincent and give up thy sins!! Are thou ready to follow me to the light or thou prefer the dark as thou always like? "

The whisper stopped and the narrow dim light began to fade.

Without hesitating, I ran towards it and gave up my sins as he requested through repentance.

Suddenly,

A blinding flash of light, brighter than anything appeared from everywhere.

I felt like it nearly disintegrated my eyes.

Then,

I found myself in the morgue.

I spontaneously stole a coat I found in the morgue and escaped the dreaded place through a window.

I went back to my own home by taxi, home where both of us lived together.

When I reached home, the door was unlock.

I went in but couldn't find her anywhere.

Before thinking too much, I went to bathe because I can even smell my own "pheromone".

To my surprise, I couldn't find any scars on anywhere of my body and face when I looked into the mirror.

Supposedly I should be disfigured from the accident.

After bathing, I dressed up and called her.

She picked up the phone and asked me who I am.

I told her who i am.

She was shocked and told me that the accident was days ago and thought I was a goner for sure because I was already pronounced deceased along with a death certificate.

I asked her where she is and she told me she is at her friends house but she asked me to wait for her to come back.

30 minutes later,

She came back and I ran to hug her because I miss her alot.

Then she told me,

"Vincent.. We are not like last time already. My feelings for you has disappeared and I dunno why? What we did last time, I barely remember anything at all. Now I already got a boyfriend"

I replied,

"Hey!! It's just few days only and you can tell me that you forgotten everything? Within these few days you can change your heart so fast for another guy? Are you kidding me?"

She said,

"I am really sorry because I don't even feel like hugging you when you hugged me. I think it will be hard if we are continue this because I don't love you anymore."

I replied emotionally,

"Fantastic!!! What you promised me, what you told me and all the smses you wrote me were fake?"

She replied me,

"I dunno.. Even when I look back at my diary, I wanted to laugh because the things wrote there were so childish and I couldn't believe anyone could write that."

My tears began to flow downward like waterfall streams and I replied her,

"Great!! I can't really believe what have become of you.. Who is that guy?"

I was expecting her to keep herself silent but words began uttered from her mouth after a few minutes.

She uttered,

"You dunno who one la!! We met in an accident"

I replied,

"WHAT??!!"

She answered in a cruel manner,

" The guy who banged your car that night."

I replied with anger,

"ZOMGWTFBBQ!!! So you fell in love with him because of that lame accident? Because of that you could forget everything about us? What goddamn ridiculous excuses are you giving me man??!! Do you know why am I still alive without any holes and scars on my body? It was a second chance given by god himself. He gave me a chance to repent, a chance to change myself or to improve myself so that I won't repeat the mistakes I made in the past. What I need now is for you to give me a chance to prove that I have changed. You are the love of my life, of course I need you in my life, I need your motivation and support when I am alone and I am no longer a hermit now because I have changed. We have our own house... Our own car. We are close to marriage dear. You are a part of my life and I will not be fully revived without you giving me another chance....."

She answered me cooly,

"Sorry Vincent.. I am truly sorry really.. But I don't feel like staying with you anymore. Now I am living at his house.. Bye Vincent..."

She left the house after finishing her final words.

Her final words left me confused.

I've been telling to myself,

"What really happened right after I was sent to the hospital? I clearly have no idea at all."

"Instead of mourning for my death she had the time to find new partner and in such a short period of time."

"I seriously never heard of anyone who could do this."

"I realised that the second chance from god was to expose me to this heartbreaking experience."

"To let me know that there is such "human" living among us."

THE END

P/S : So is that all she knows how to say? What we can conclude from this story is, she met new love through an accident whereas I lost my love through an accident/surprise. This story is fiction but related or similar to the true story. Just few days she could forget everything about us (almost a year) and love another person. I seriously got no clue how they could get along so quick. God knows why in a blink of an eye, I lost the love of my life in such a tragedy. I don't even know whether her happiness is real or bluffing herself as I don't see any regrets in your actions. You really assume I am dead?

Future Does Not Exist Without Past...

I admit that last time I wasn't treating you at my best.

But,

It doesn't mean that I am treating badly either.

I told you that I already changed.

I have improved myself and determined to treat you at my best.

Because I learned from my past.

The things I done.

The mistakes I made.

Learning from my own past allowed me to become a better person.

Enabled me to avoid repeating history itself.

Why can't you take a look of your history as well?

Is it worth sacrificing all our memories?

Is it worth dumping a person that is so deeply in love with you and loyal to you?

A person who is willing to sacrifice for a better future together?

WHY are you moving on so blindly?

There future does not exist without the past you know?

Future are influenced by past.

For example, if you died in the past will you still exist in the future?

Ask yourself how many ex-bf you already have?

How many ex-bf's do you want in your life before you actually get married?

When are you going to put an end to all this?

Do you know that your very vulnerable in emotion?

When your down or your sad, any guy who can sweet talk with you, you will straight consider it?

Without caring about the person who truly loves you and willing to forget everything about the person?

Are you that type of person?

You don't just move to the future assuming the past does not exist.

What you done already left scars in the past.

Are you sure that the guy your interested in will lead you to a better future?

or end up the same or worse?

How sure is your instinct?

Are you sure he is as loyal as I am?

If I am not loyal, I won't be moaning to myself until now you know?

You told me so confidently and firmly that I am your last.

Oh is that so?

I am guessing you're telling him the same thing rite?

I am not judging his personality.

Don't get me wrong.

I am only saying that anyone can change in a split second.

Bad or good that I do not know.

Why do I say anyone could change in a split second.

Because what you did to me already proven that to be possible.

Why aren't you giving me another chance?

Am I too bad to be reconsidered?

Why can't you assume I am another person?

As a matter a fact, I am totally changed.

A new "person".

Why can't you treat me as another "person"?

Why can't you give an opportunity to this "person" to love you?

To take care of you.

To create new life together.

Do you ever consider or compare between two persons, who can prove that to you?

I am sure you can make even better decisions if you look into the past.

You won't regret it.

This is a fact not proven by me but by psychologist.

You still got a choice now.

Why make this world so torturing for us to live in?

I Love You!!!

You always mentioned,

"If you don't love me, please let her go."

"If you don't love her please let others love."

Well,

I hope you're not referring to me.

Because my love and care for you will never dissipate.

It was you who rejected all these from me.

It was you who doesn't allow me to love and care for you.

I hope you understand what I mean.

If I don't love you or care for you,

I wouldn't be in this situation right now do you understand?

All these symptoms occurred was because my love for you is far greater than you can possibly imagine

And

I can't let go no matter what I do.

All I wish now is for you to return to me.

Because I truly love you and I want to take care of you.

I hope you will give me another chance to prove myself worthy.

I love you hon hon...^X^

Dying...

Sorry to say this but...

I told myself and convinced myself to forget..

But....

I failed once again.

Over and over again you can say.

I don't know whether it has turned into a disease or just a mere side effect from what had happened.

Recently,

I succeeded in forgetting about her for almost the whole day.

A good sign considered, right?

But,

When I sleep that night, I received random dreams, all about her.

Inside the dreams, she was very nice towards me and treated me like before.

Do things like before.

I was very happy and content.

I really thought she came back to me.

But, I later knew it was only dreams when I woke up.

Great!!!

It's as if my mind doesn't want me to let go.

Doesn't want me to forget.

That's why the dreams came.

Reinforcing the memories in my mind.

I am currently receiving constant dreams of how nice she is treating me everytime I sleep, even nap.

Indirectly making me even harder to forget.

Don't blame me because I can't control my own dreams.

As i said, they are random.

So, I tried my best.

Yet

I can feel that my situation has worsen.

She is like a part of my life.

A part of my vital structure.

This vital structure in me is deteriorating as she started to depart.

My situation now is as if I am gradually losing muscle mass in my lungs.

Causing me to die slowly and painfully in an agonizing death.

Why are you "helping" me anyway?

Do you know that you are destroying me?

Are these all your intentions?

If so,

You should be damn happy and proud with it now right?

Because I'm dying now.

I really wonder what was the purpose of those dreams?

Is my mind trying to convince me that I still got chances or making me suffer?

If she doesn't want to return.

Then, there is nothing else I can do now but to succumb to my own mind.

Allowing it to destroy me slowly.

Now it's only dream.

What's next?

The Torment of Unforgettable Memories

I never have any peace in my mind till now, since 1st of June.

The day that you gave me an unexpected "anniversary surprise".

My head is spinning all time.

Feeling tired but can't sleep most of the time.

Memories flooding in my mind.

Rushing towards like streams of wave.

As if flipping through a book page by page, reminding me of your past until what you have become now.

Tried many methods, yet pointless.

Often confused when pondering what I am suppose to do.

Throughout Kampar, everywhere I go, reminds me of you.

The whole area is tainted by your history.

In university, almost every sections of the place is tainted by your history.

Yet, you came to my hometown before.

There is no escape even in my own house as it is also tainted by your history.

Everywhere I can go reminds me of you.

Things you said ever since we been together is still very fresh in my mind.

Forcing myself to forget.

Is that a wise choice?

I tried.

It made me even more pain than usual.

I felt that these memories are too ridiculously to forget.

If such unforgettable memories were to applied in studies,

I would have beaten world class students at studies with minimal effort.

But sadly no.

The memories were applied in blurring and haunting me .

Why force yourself to forget about me while you still share strong feelings towards me?

Why do you want to do that to yourself?

Why can't we be what we supposed to be?

Why torture yourself not to love me while you still love me?

Why do have to sacrifice in this way?

Why do you want to torment us both?

Why is there so many Why's?!

The Runaway Bride

Whatever I promised to do now or in the future,

I will finish what I already started and end it.

I will be responsible for what I said, what I have done and what I have vowed.

Even if I left the group now I will be responsible for whatever assignment started with me.

Although it does not benefit me at all.

Normal people will just leave without a word, without caring the group members feeling.

"Because, what for suffer so much at the end, where you don't gain anything in return. It is such a waste of your time."

The usual favorite speech by the "normal people" i mentioned.

Later,

In a blink of an eye, one of them has to present your part.

Indirectly requiring extra effort for the chosen "lucky one".

So,

The game I promised to hand it over to you, I will make sure you'll get it at the end.

So, don't worry.

Well, surely such action won't affect any changes of your feelings towards me.

As you will still react coldly against me.

Yes, it is stupid of me for doing this but I remember what I said and I will be responsible for what I said.

But, one thing..

Are you responsible for what you done, what you promised and what you said in the past?

Thousands of promises uttered from your mouth.

Same promises whispered from your mouth directly to my ears almost daily.

Where has it gone to?

"Shall I compare thee to a summer day, thou art lovely and temperate..ya de ya de ya de ya.. I love you, lord of stupid.. I afraid tat you will leave me more than I will." (sms)

"You are the final bf that I will ever have coz you're the most special among my previous ones.. I will only think of you and no one else. I will only marry you in the future and will never leave you. We will have kids together. I want our daughter next time to be as fair as you and as leng lui as me. haha.. I want our son to be at least as tall as you or taller and as handsome as you are." (whispered)

This is just 2 examples of your "promises".

There are plenty more especially the sms-es you sent me.

I kept those in my record.

Before I can show you these proofs, you said you forgotten.

In my heart I know you remember all these, your just trying to act in front me.

Why?

To make up my mind to dump you?

So that you can be with the next one?

I am responsible for what I said.

I said I won't dump you means I won't dump you.

What are you thinking actually?

You thought that was just stupidity or you thought that was a joke?

What you have become right now is no longer the "you" that I knew anymore.

I just realised recently that I was the one being played all the while.

Thousands of promises were actually thousands of jokes just to make this Lord of Stupid happy momentarily.

Well congrats to you.

You finally tricked me because I fell for it, making me myself to officially call myself Lord of Stupid.

Our relationship was getting deeper and deeper each months until it halted just weeks ago.


Because you suddenly don't have feelings for me and don't recall the moments we been together.

Great!!!

That is how my bride-to-be ran away.

Friends?! Is that possible?

Once a couple will never be friends again until the end of days.

Too much thoughts.

Too much memories.

Too much feelings.

Too much love has been induced.

Too much efforts were used to sustain love.

Impossible to dissipate.

Never ever possible.

Can never talk like usual friends.

Things will never be the same again as the past.

Can't kill my love for you.

Too deeply in love with you.

She is my most unique tulip ever.

People said it's just a normal tulip and asked me to search for other tulips as they are many around.

I declined!!

Because they did not unravel its true uniqueness.

So lovely, so warming, so beautiful yet so caring.

Such people will never understand that.

But I do..

Because I can feel it blossoming so beautifully when I am close to it.

I will keep this tulip and preserve it until the day of my death.

Taking care of its health.

Supplying the best nutrients at the best conditions.

Culture new tulips from this unique one.

Join together as families.

Generations after generations.

Love will last forever.

Do You Still Love Me?

Everything I done for you.

Everything I sacrifice for you.

What for?

It's because I love you.

Why are willing to destroy the sweet memories we had together just in few days?

For the past 3 months, our love became so much deeper.

Not only that, we miss each other even more than before.

Now?

Just a couple of days you could say you forgotten everything about us?

You don't have anymore feelings towards me?

You also mentioned could we be friends again.

But seriously, are you really treating me as a friend or an enemy I wonder.

Do you actually understand what were my feelings when you said something like this?

Well, tell u one thing.

Do you still remember the last time I joked with you mentioning that i wanted to leave you?

Do you remember what was your emotions at that moment?

Right before I could tell you I was just joking, you instantly ran back to your room and cried till there is no tomorrow.

If I do not confess that I was just joking, you would thought I really meant it.

What really broke my heart was, you saying I looked like so called idiot and not even worthy to be your friend.

You know something.

I don't cry just to anyone and basically I never cried for ages.

Additionally, I never cried just for someone before.

You told me before that if I cried for you means I love you very much and you were so happy and glad that I'm so loyal to you. That was where our relationship began to flourish.

Now?

When I cried for you, I'm just a piece of shit to you right?

Or

Just a mentally retarded adult who has a mind of a kid who likes to cry like a baby?

Is that what you mean now?

Then what about you when you cried?

When you needed me the most I always try my best to be with you and console you whenever you are moody, sad and hurt.

When I needed you the most, where are you?

You left me, that's what it is.

You even said if I die, nobody will ever bother about it cause your not worth loving.

So, I'm just a piece of "shit" that even a dung beetle won't be attracted to?

I wonder do you treat me as a person or just a piece of "shit".

How can you be so cruel all the sudden?

Why do you want to dump our love away?

Why do you want to destroy our opportunity to live together in the future where it is only a matter of steps only.

Why do you want to act in front of me? Do you think that I don't know your acting in front of me?

What's your purpose?

What's your motive?

Are you helping me?

Are you hurting me?

Or is it someone else fell in love with you, wanted to erase your memories forcefully so that both of you could live and love each other happily ever after without doubts?

If you could really erase all our memories together, so what?

Is that true love?

What about me?

You don't need to care about other's feelings as well?

Do you think it's a selfish act?

Do you think that what you do is right?

Do you believe that god will close one eye and act as if nothing had happened, like you?

You always mention you understand and know what is love.

For me, I clearly doubt so.

When we became couples, I never had the intention on leaving you or seducing new girls like what most guys would do. I never even want to talk to people to don't like me to talk to. I was willing to change my lifestyle from hermit just to suit your lifestyle in the future. I stayed with you 24/7 in the room because I want to take care of you, don't want you to be lonely, work with you and love you. I know I did something wrong to you sometimes. But, I asked for your forgiveness and willing to change it because we learn from our mistakes so that in the future we won't repeat it again. I know it's my bad because I didn't follow you to clinic but i asked for forgiveness and you forgave me that time. I even promised that I won't make you disappointed and sad because of that again. Now, you can just tell me you can't remember that you actually forgiven me and given me a chance. You intend to eat back your own words?

Before I met you, I never even walk out from the doorsteps of my room, do you know that? It was so hard for me to change yet i was able to change because love motivated me to do so. Now, as I already adapted to this kind of lifestyle, you expect me to go back to where I belong?
For a normal guy, I would have already found a new girl by now because what you said and did is more than enough to kill a guy's heart. But I didn't, instead I am willing to wait for you till the end of days and hope that you will realize I'm not the guy you think I am. I am forever loyal and willing to change just for our future.

Do you think it's stupid or foolish of me to be so naive?

One way or another, I still kept my vows to you that i will marry you and provide you the life you wanted most and I really meant it.

The vows you made, I recorded it, saved it and remembered it and you told me you can't remember any of them.

We were destined to be together if not it's for your doubts against me.

All these sufferings were all caused by your decisions.

Don't ask god for guidance please. You should first ask yourself and think about what you done rationally.

Are you truly happy with that? Is it worth doing this to yourself? Do you think your doing the right thing?

Do you think that the next bf of yours will really give you what you want or just end up like what you did to me at the end. How can you assure such confidence in you without doubts and regrets of your past actions?

I really hope you will truly understand what is right and what is wrong and make better decisions that will lead you to a better future. It's all up to you now. No one can help you with this other than yourself.

You clearly know me more than your other friends, so you should have known that i can keep my words well.

I said I will never dump you and will love you forever means I will never dump you and will love you forever. I can keep my vows forever. Whether you believe it or not, it's all up to you again.

I will never change what I already mentioned, not like you.

I really hope one day you will realize your mistakes.

If you do, I will forgive you at anytime because everyone makes mistakes and deserve a second chance no matter who or what he/she is.

I never have a blog before.

The reason why I have it now was because of you again.

I wish that you would really look back on your past actions and create a better solution for it.

That was the reason I have this blog now.

Please do not make the same mistake twice.

My advice is,

Do not continue what you are doing currently in an ongoing trend.

As you will have your day of retribution in years to come.

I love you La***...