Wrong Turn

What your people said were true.

In my opinion, indeed you don't really understand him very well.

When he said your irritating, instantaneously you can know there is something wrong yet you still repeat it? Is that what you called understanding. Is it because you heart tells you that you're going at the correct direction just that he doesn't understand your so called deeds? Is this how you understand someone? Are you going to just sit there not doing anything while waiting for him to realize?

If so, I think I understand what's the reason you proposed a break up with me.

It's because you don't even understand who I am and what I'm capable of, although we've been together for almost a year.

You want to know why?

Because you do things going through only the heart but not the mind as well.

Your doing it correctly but partially, which led to imperfection.

I have to admit that you're quite irritating sometimes and I'm sure I'm quite irritating to you at times as well.

So we're equal so to speak.

But things doesn't work that way you know?

I hate to have wars with people especially the person I love.

What I did was, I tried my very best to understand what person god has created you to be.

I know I was late but at least I realized my mistakes and tried to fix it so that we could have a better life together.

But when I did, you turned against me without even realizing what I've been going through for you during the break.

Do you ever have the initiative to understand me or just say it for the sake of saying just like taking drugs?

You can say a zillion "I Love You" with your mouth but does your heart and mind really mean so?

I'm always afraid of that question everytime you mentioned that 3 words to me.

Well, you've taken your turn against me.

I just hope your next turn wouldn't be a wrong turn.

Death on Holidays!!!

Holidays have finally arrived.

It's been a while the death blog has been dormant.

This holidays could maybe my only chance to obliterate the hurtful memories you've implanted in my mind.

What you said was indeed damn fu*king true!!!

If you don't love me why would I still want to love you for? It doesn't make any difference if I chose either to love you or not love you.

If I only become a memory, just assume I never existed. Anyway, it's very clear that you've been doing that to me ever since that day.

Yeah!! Please don't ever show up in my life at the end of days because that would even be worse than hell on earth to me. When you graduated from university, please don't ever make a second mistake by coming back here again and I know you wouldn't anyway. This place brings you nightmare right? If so, please don't, because nobody will ever give a damn about it. Another suggestion, you can also forget about this place(Perak) and assume it has been wiped out from the face of the earth.

In your sight, I don't even think I am qualified to be a memory because you know why? You can pretend as if you never met me before plus whatever we did (pictures we taken together, facebook, msn and etc.), you have already deleted all of it by now I guess. In short you have deleted everything that links me to you.

I don't even know why I should care about you as you don't even care even if die or live because I don't deserve to be loved by people (That's the most cruel thing you told me that day and I can never forget that).

My love to you now has become a sort of hatred and I also don't know why? I know it is not good to hate people but I just can't help it because that was how I felt spontaneously, when somebody reminds me of you. Everytime I think of you I remembered how selfish you are and how bias you are in defining judgment. Additionally, you only think your doing the right thing whereas I the opposite. I absolutely can never believe I actually loved a person like this before. How can a person changed from "hero to zero" without a notice but a surprise with some lame excuses as backup. Well, I don't want to explain that again as I already did in the older entries.

If somebody did the same to you as you did to me, only then will you feel your own medicine.

Go ahead and live your chosen live then. I'm not going to get in your way because I don't care anymore. If you ever make a mistake in your life again, don't ever cry and regret if things do not come in the way you expected. So don't talk about so many if(s) because there's no such thing as so many if(s) in live because decisions are not trial and error. At 1st I don't accept the theory about "hero to zero" in life but what you did has already proven that to be possible to happen even in just a split moment. In short, the meaning of that term is, what comes around goes around, a friend today could be a foe tomorrow, a person you love today could be a person you hate tomorrow. It's ridiculous but possible thanks to your confirmation.

Quote of the day:

To live an easy live,

It's better to prepare yourself for the worse than preparing yourself for the better because you will never know what's coming for you.

Eternal Nightmare

I just realized how important you are to me.

In conjunction to that, I also realized that the damages you done to me was so deep, until it reaches my soul.

It's already nearing to 3 months break.

Few days ago I was beginning to forget almost everything about the melancholic events of my past.

Today, out of nowhere nightmares came haunting me in my dreams.

Reviving the pain in my life once again.

This didn't happened once but several times already.

As I mention before, dreams are beyond my control while slumbering.

In my opinion, I don't think all these nightmares are just coincidence.

So, I began to think that you did not only damage my heart but my soul as well.

I'm beginning to lose will in forgetting already because it doesn't work that way.

There must be some way but what is it?

How to end this eternal nightmare of mine other than forgetting?

Precognition

Every good or bad people needs a break.

I know if they were given a second chance, they'll do the right thing.

Too bad not all of us are gifted with the talent of precognition or premonition.

"Everytime if you got a glimpse on the future, the more the future changes."

It's because you know what's coming for you, so you will definitely come out with a solution to counter those unnecessary events that will occur. In other words, to evade the occurrences that you don't want to end up with.

Future can be change but the past can't.

What I always wished for is for all these things happening around me now, to be a dream when I woke up.

I wished that all these occurrences were just my premonition.

Well, it doesn't seem to be so anyway.

I guess I'm not the gifted person after all.

People who are gifted with that ability can get the chance to try out all the different possibilities or options in a dream or vision to decide which is the best option to choose in reality but for the people who aren't gifted, they have to choose only an option from list of options he/she has. Normal ones can't initiate test predictions. Therefore, they have to pick their poison because they do not know which is the best decision containing the least negative feedback.

Whatever we do, whatever decisions we make comes with a price.

As I said before, every decision has consequence(s) whether it's good or bad.

The differences only appear between good and bad choices when we talk about the severity of the outcome.

Nothing from us is perfect due to our imperfect origin.

We should bear in mind that think carefully and wisely before making any of it, a decision that works best for you and as for others.

Although it might not be perfect but at least, it could minimize the severity of the consequences from our decision(s).

"What comes around goes around"

The Desperado of Love

She is losing herself due to her own insatiable thirst for love.

Physically weak I understand but I didn't expect was, your so weak in mind as well.

No wonder your so easily fooled by words.

No wonder your so easily to be manipulated.

No wonder you always say, as if your dying when someone is not by your side to love you.

Do you expect someone to be with you 24/7?

Do you expect someone to kiss you 24/7?

Do your expect someone to hug you 24/7?

Ask yourself how many relationships you've been through?

I hope you don't think it that way or else you're actually going on blinded-love spree all these years of relationships.

I'm your 5th and you clearly know who was your 3th right?

He left you because he needs space. Doing all those 24/7 things just suffocates him due to lack of freedom being given to him. He showed physical cruelness to you when he left you because he does not know how to put it in words.

Same thing you did to me just that it's in words. Cruel intentions yet present at that moment.

Why do you have such many ex-bf(s)? It's because you never wanted learn about your past mistakes and your decisions. You just do things by following your heart's desire without going through the brain. That's why you only think about yourself. As long as you're happy then can. Others happy or sad, you don't even bother at all. That's just pure selfishness.

Anyway, please don't cry and nag about it when he is not around you for the moment. Be mature for god's sake.

Everything we do in this world has good and bad. Why is that so?

It's because we are humans and we are not perfect.

That's why what we do will lead to imperfection. So, whatever we do will not lead to perfect good and bad. Both are to be present at the same time which signifies our imperfection.
In other words, whatever decisions we make, there will be consequences ahead. The consequences may not be always obvious in our sight. But, it is always present there.

"I'm not cursing anyone, it's philosophy I'm talking about. You can decide not to believe me if you don't want to, I'm not forcing anyone as usual."

People around you are just guessing and assuming what happened between us that day especially the things you said to me. Also, the way they're judging me like they know who I am. Why? It's because there are some things you didn't actually tell them, am I right? Or you can say whatever goddamn things behind me and there is nothing I can do about it. Surely you kept some truths hidden from their sights.

What I think is that, whether or not you hide some things from them, it doesn't really matter much. You know why? It's because they sided with you not due the righteous judgment. They sided with you plainly because of friendship. A righteous judgment is made based on neutrality.

For me, if anyone sides with me because of friendship, I rather not to have any friends because by doing so, they are just making bias judgment and clearly that's not what I wanted. In my opinion, that's not what I call true friends.

Only both of us knew the exact event happened between us that day. So only you will truly understand the messages I'm trying to convey to you here.

Well, go on with what you're doing now.

Rest assure that you will get what's coming to you in the future.

Your True Color.

Finally you revealed your true color.

What you said simply reminds me again something that you told me months ago.

Do you remember you said you will love me only me in your life?

When I told you if I would leave you, do you remember what you replied me?

Let me remind you again, you replied "Shall I compare thee to summer day, thou art lovely and temperate.. ya de ya de ya de ya.. I love you, lord of stupid.. I afraid tat you will leave me more than I will."

Sounded like Shakespears right?

When I asked you, are you sure about what you said and are you serious?

You almost started sobbing when I asked that.

It's impossible that it isn't serious right?

You also said " Don't ever mention those things again to me because it hurts my heart. I will only love you and only you in my life. I can't live without you not even a second. I will die if I lose you."

Well, very touching indeed yet so romantic.

Is that what you told everyone who've been together with you before also?

Yet until now you can still repeat the same bloody thing again.

It sounded so damn fake to me.

You can still say it so firmly and confidently that you're very serious with what you mentioned.

Haha!!

Another thing is, do you remember what happened on 1st of June 2009?

Forgotten already?

Let me remind you again the one "tiny" thing you told me.

When you're obviously lying in front of me that time saying your feelings for me had disappeared,

You also mentioned it's fruitless for us to continue our relationship because we won't end up happy.

If I'm not qualified to be a girlfriend/boyfriend/soul mate/life partner. Just please don't turn away.

Where and how the hell did you came out with that kinda lame theory?

Last time,

When I said can we make this over again? You said no because you don't love me anymore and we won't end up happy.

So you're like saying that,

If a girl/a boy really wants to leave, you still want to continue? (What I mean is "if", so don't misunderstand)

Hey!!! Don't you forget that you said it yourself that there will never be happiness if you do so.

So fast you forgotten what you told to me last time already?

You're actually following my footsteps/repeating what I did if you realize that.

In other words, what you're thinking or doing now is actually contradicting with your so called theory above. (in green, italic and bold)

In conclusion, you're no different than I am actually.

What you said, you can't even do it yourself.

Pakai cakap saja (a.k.a talk pussy only).

This is what you are, you're true color.

This is the way you think things. I see I see!!!

You know how to judge people but you don't know how to judge yourself.

Who's The Toy?

The contents of this post was taken from the previous post(Trust & Compromise). This is the re-edited version of it.

P/S : The original version was deleted from the previous post.

(Below were my frustrations after I posted the "Trust & Compromise" entry, so if you don't want to read it, you can stop right at this point)

I'm surprise that many realized about this two factors but why not you.

You don't understand is not because you're stupid or you're dumb, it's because you simply do not take the initiative to understand and reflect on it. That why you're so damn ignorant and naive which led to selfishness.

You think this is some sort of a game? When you want, you dash forward at maximum speed and grab it, when you're done or bored with it, you just throw it away? As long as it pleases your heart's content? Not forgetting you added plenty of crappy lame excuses when being asked why too.

I just realized that I'm actually a toy.

Why are you willing to throw it just like that?

Because I'm already broken or scarred with scratches?

I know why!!!

(The words italic and bold below, has hidden meanings. If you can guess the meaning then congrats.)

You got your "insurance" set and ready.

Also, you got a lot "financial supports" because of "sponsors" around you.

In other words, you don't lose anything.

So no wonder you don't even care whether I live or die.

I really want to know one more thing,

"I don't care, I can't care too much, whatever!!"

Is that your favorite phrase?

In the end,

I am as if a toy being thrown into the dumpster.

It depends on whether somebody else pick it up to play with it(live) or I end up being degraded and recycled for raw materials(die).

Actually, I do not want to talk about this again but the problem is, all these stuffs are just shoving right at my face. Don't expect I can act like nothing happen.
Nevertheless, the things happening around me just reminds me about you over and over again.